I Don't Care about Harry Potter

My dear friend L.L. was practically orgasmic today because there is a new Harry Potter trailer available online. I doubt if I wasn’t just limited to my native tongue of English, a smattering of Japanese, a dash of Hindi, and tourist French, and my brain contained every language spoken by not just humans but lingual primates and birds I could accurately express just how much I DON’T GIVE A FUCK about Harry Potter. My response to my rather frenzied friend as she tried to explain her passion was a Spock-like “That is highly illogical” and “Oh. Well that seems imaginative”. I don’t understand feeling passionate about something that can’t return the favor. I have been known to geek out over both Star Wars and Star Trek (I’m bi-geekgual) but the frenzy of the Potter People confuses me. I have never felt the way people feel about Harry Potter about anything. I nearly married a guy that I wouldn’t read seven 700 page books about. Admittedly those books would have mostly been about smoking weed, sleeping with lots of girls, and his sworn enemy mayonnaise. But even if you gave him magical powers I still wouldn’t have read seven 700 page books about him.
Another thing…I have cried exactly once when a fictional person died. Brenda on General Hospital. It was a really easy semester in college and I didn’t need to study. And I became emotionally ensnared in a soap opera. Brenda and I had been through a lot those six months and when her car went off that cliff and then I later saw her fiancé staring into the water saying to himself, “But Brenda we said this time no one leaves”, I gave a shit. But that character went on to die a couple more times and I watched stone-faced while eating grilled cheese sandwiches. You know why? Because she isn’t real. She’s not going to heaven or hell and the people who are sad that she died aren’t real either so their feelings aren’t real. But Dumbeldore and Cederic Digory kick the bucket and there is public morning.
L.L. claims the appeal of the Potter world is the fantasy of magical powers. She thinks it’s weird that I never wanted magical powers. I think it makes perfect sense. I was the only black person in every school I went to until I was 13 and then I was like 1 of 4 and the only one not athletic. It’s been my dream since I was three just to fit in and be like everyone else. Magic powers would just give me one more thing to feel like a freak about. I work hard to conceal the things that make me unique. The nail that sticks out the farthest receives the most hammering. I think people who are that obsessed with the fantasy should stop living through Harry Potter and do something extraordinary with their own lives.
But in fairness to people who think I’m being a rag. I provide you with a list of things I like with an infinitesimal fraction of the fixation of Potter-fans and you can dump on them at will.
The Notebook
My hero worship of writer Mark Salzman
Grey’s Anatomy
Films in which a plucky group of urban teens must dance to improve their situation in life
The oeuvre of Andrew McCarthy

Just Listen

I love my Ipod...But I kinda hate Apple

Anderson Cooper and Dogs? God really does love me.

The most embarssing grocery checkout in human history

Yesterday, I was flirting with a complete dreamboat at my local Smith's grocery store. Things were going well. He'd even asked for my phone number. And then suddenly he looked at my grocery basket and made a hasty retreat. As I reviewed my receipt at home to make sure I hadn't been overcharged or forgotten something I decided I will never hear from that young man in this or any other lifetime...
Metamucil (I have irritable bowel, I need the fiber)
KY Jelly Tingling Personal lubricant
4 pack AA batteries
Yoplait Plus yogurt
Activia (Yep. Two kinds of yogurt that help you poop)
Nutella
5 lbs of apples
Super Plus deodorizing tampons
I can't help but imagine that somewhere in the world he is tossing my number into garbage because he doesn't want to get mixed up with a sexually frustrated constipated person who is insecure about vaginal freshness. Now if I'd had just one of the above embarrassing items in my basket I'm sure it wouldn't have been a big deal. But I don't blame Mr. No Call. There was no room for romance in that shopping cart.

My chance to be on Dateline

Whenever I watch Dateline I sort of feel left out that no one tries to scam money out of me. But finally today someone tried to. Here is the email. I'm so proud. I feel like an adult...
Dear Friend,


I am Mr ALAN COOPER a personal chief financial treasurer to Mikhail Khodorkovsky the Richest man in Russia and owner of the following companies: Chairman CEO: YUKOS OIL (Russian Largest Oil Company) Chairman CEO: Menatep SBP Bank (A well reputable financial institution with itґs Branches all over the world) SOURCE OF FUNDS: I have a profiling amount to the tune of ($15,100,000.00) (Fifteen million,one hundred thousand dollars) which I seek your Partnership in accommodating for me. You will be rewarded with 30% of the total sum for your partnership. Can you be my partner on this? Already the funds have left the shore of Russia through diplimatic means to a European Holding financial institution where the final crediting is expected to be carried out. While I was on the process, My Boss got arrested for his Involvement in politics by financing the leading And opposing political parties (the Union of Right Forces, led by Boris Nemtsov, and Yabloko, a liberal/social democratic party Le

http://www.supportmbk.com
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/business/3213505.stm
http://newsfromrussia.com/main/2003/11/13/51215.html
http://newsfromrussia.com/main/2005/03/29/58914.html
http://www.nationmaster.com/encyclopedia/Mikhail-khodorkovsky
http://newsfromrussia.com/main/2003/11/13/51215.html YOUR ROLE:


These funds are secured in as escrow account in finanacial institution in the United Kingdom and can be transferred from the escrow account to your personal or business account once you have assured me of your ability and capacity to receive the funds for disbursement amongst the two of us at a ration i stated above. The funds were deposited in my name as a front for my client and all documents in relation to this bears my name to avoid the search by the government, so you need not entertain any worries.



To verify my claim, I would provide you the Escrow account details of the offshore account to enable you verify the existence of these funds. Once you have verified and you are in a position to assist in receiving the funds on my behalf, then I would provide you more details.



1. To verify, please call the ATM Number of the Bank: +44-7005-801-442.


The account balance can be confirmed from the steps above. I would provide you the name and contact officer at the financial institution, so as to enable you make collection and thereafter we would share the funds

All I need from you is to stand as the beneficiary of the above quoted sum and I will re-profile the funds with your name, which will enable the European Holding financial institution transfer the sum to you. I have decided to use this sum to relocate to American continent and never to be connected to any of Mikhail khodorkovsky conglomerates. The transaction has to be concluded within 5 to 10 working days, as soon as I confirm your readiness to conclude the transaction with me. Contact me via my private box so that I can furnish you with more details. Thank you very much.


Regards,
ALAN COOPER [Mr]

EMAIL; alancooper69@gmail.com

Really?!?!?!

I was bullied onto facebook this week. I fought as hard as I could. But it was the same battle I lost with Friendster and Myspace. Once all social interaction moves to a social networking site I have two choices. (1)Cling to my principals but be lonely and bored. Or (2)Relent but be resentful and give off an air of superiority and bourgeois contempt. I usually choose option 2. So I signed up for facebook and was presented with a couple hundred profiles of people I went to high school with. Facebook suggested I might want to be friends with these people. I suggested to God that he should have smited those people twenty years ago when they were terrorizing me to the point that I seriously contemplated suicide. I have five friends from high school, because those were the five people I liked. Most everyone else was a douchebag. And I hardly think time will have improved them much. But what I find most disturbing is that so many of them had the nerve to reproduce. Some of those people had four plus kids.For a moment I felt slightly left out. Sort of like John Cusack's character in Grosse Pointe Blank, "They all have husbands and wives and children and houses and dogs, and, you know, they've all made themselves a part of something and they can talk about what they do. What am I gonna say? "I killed the president of Paraguay with a fork. How've you been?" Or more to the point, "I'm not married. I don't have any kids. And I'd blow your head off is somebody paid me enough.How are you?" God! I fucking love that movie. But the question now becomes how awesome does my life have to be in six years when the 20th reunion rolls around, for me to be insulated against insecurity? I mean a couple published books and some pictures of me in bed with Keanu Reeves and a sitting United States Senator good? Or should I skip it like I skipped the 5 year and 10 year reunions? Because do I really have to revisit that hellmouth when high school is never really over. I realized today I'm still the girl who does some guy's homework just so he'll talk to her. I still do it. Some guy smiles at me and I'm 16 again. So why on earth would I subject myself to the people that made being sixteen shorthand for pain and alienation? Well there will probably be cake. I do like cake. And I am exponentially better looking than when I was a kid, whereas most of those bastards peaked at 19. I don't know I've got time to think about it. I'll just stay away from facebook as much as I can.