Men on their periods...

The first lines of Bonnie Tyler’s 80’s classic tune Holding out for a Hero asks the question best, “Where have all the good men gone?/And where are all the Gods?”
I'm going to take a potentially controversial stance and declare the sensitive male a failed experiment. I have been told by women twenty to sixty years older than me that once upon a time men were encouraged to be emotionally closed off and distant. That if you saw one cry you were somehow injuring his testicles, and if one hugged you, you were either a small child or on fire and they were patting out the flames on your back. I have no doubt that must have been terrible. To spend all your time ball and chained to someone with marginal interest in talking to you, who couldn't empathize. But in the 90's as if to prove there is a downside to everything, there began a movement in reaction to second and third wave feminism to make men more sensitive. We told them that it was okay to cry when they were sad and scared, and to not be afraid to show vulnerability. On the surface it seemed like a good idea. Once men could admit they were weak too, they wouldn't need to prevent women from feeling strong. But it's gone too far.
I don't want to hold a grown man while he cries. I don't want Emo music to exist. I refer to it as the music of the whiny middle-class white boy who's Daddy didn't hug him enough. I want to return to an age when men like George Clooney roamed the earth freely just like the noble buffalo. Men who admit they aren't the marriage and kids type and don't feel compelled to change it so they don't look self-involved and infantile. And should a man breed I don't want to hear him say, "We're having a baby". No you're not. Your wife/girlfriend/surrogate mother/teen babysitter is having a baby. You're going to a "father." Unless you are at all physically involved beyond crawling on top of her to deposit your DNA of dubious merit, you're not doing anything until the baby arrives. No uterus, no cheesy discussions of the miracle of life. That is my rule, break it at your own peril. I forgive the mother-to-be her flowery meanderings because she's hormonal,large, and vulnerable to predators. But dudes, Man up! If she wanted to have a baby with another chick, all it takes is $400 in sperm. Earn the right to hitch yourself to her woman wagon. Do something she can't or doesn't particularly want to do. But I'm sure she has the emotional sentimentality thing locked down.
Although I loved the Notebook it shouldn't have been as successful as it was. Men told other men to go see it. The first time I saw it in the theater there were as many men crying as women. I’m not talking a manly sniffle like at the end of Brian’s Song when it becomes obvious that Brian Piccolo isn’t going to make it, or the misting of the eyes when Captain Kirk eulogizes Spock at the end of Wrath of Khan. I’m talking full on dabbing the eyes with a napkin crying. The only way I could accept it was to assume that the audience was full of guys that really love their grandparents and the Alzheimer storyline was the culprit.
A few weeks ago I needed some hand lotion. And every guy in my department at work had some on his desk. I can't live in a world were the men have softer hands than I do. If men are going to be soft to the touch what will we as women have to bargain with. Study after study comes out saying we're smarter and more of us are college educated so they don't get to have pretty pets on their arms. We make our own money so they can't take care of us like houseplants. And many a bisexual man has said the best naughty spank-spank time he ever had was with other dudes. Heck a few straight men will say that the one time they tippy-toed over the fence to try a Mojito and an episode of Grey's Anatomy that it was pretty great, so we can't even represent ourselves as wanton sex toys. If it continues like this the world is going to start to resemble a seventh grade dance. Boys on one side and girls on the other, except when it’s time to make babies.
My concern was only deepened by a talk with one of my two unattached female friends. We both just ended relationships that we were actually still enjoying, because the guys became clingy. In my case it started out pretty good. We were mutually physically attracted, had an amazing time talking to each other, and liked to do the same things. And right up front we were clear no one was falling in love. That we were missing that special something that makes the difference between love and being in love. So we weren't going to try to make it something it wasn't. Flash forward six months and he feels used. And he cried. And he doesn't understand why I don't love him. A generation ago he may have felt that way but he would have kept it to himself. And that's all I'm asking. I'm not asking for some kind of uber-butch Marlboro man. I think we can for the most part agree that Brokeback Mountain blew that iconography out of the water. I'm just looking for a little yin and yang. Contrasting but complimentary perspectives. And I know this is a tough line to walk. Because we could end up back in the days of Gender Jim Crow. Separate but equal. He gets to go out and cure cancer, you get to wipe baby butt and make the perfect mac and cheese. That's no good either. I guess all I'm saying is that the next time I'm crying at the movies I want to look over at my date with tears in my eyes and have him put his arm around me. I don't want him to collapse in sobs and put his head in my lap.
In the interest of clarifying my point allow me to offer a quiz that should clear up what I think is too sensitive. If you answer yes to two or more of these questions you're too sensitive to exist in my world.
1. Have you ever said to another person, "I feel like you're emotionally absent. Why are you withholding?"
2. Have you ever cried after sex because you were "so happy?"
3. Can you say, "Here comes the hug doctor to give you you're daily dose" and not feel like kicking your own ass?
4. Have you ever asked a naked woman, "Can we just cuddle?"
5. Do you think your wife or girlfriend would love you more if you had a better body and have made her reassure you that she finds you attractive?
6. Do you listen to Emo music?
7. Do you only play acoustic guitar?
8. Do you have a problem that you've traced back to it's childhood roots and feel comfortable talking about it while getting a blow job?
9. Are you currently stroking a cat or holding a baby that doesn't belong to you?
10. Do women who you are sleeping with think you're gay?